I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don’t believe it makes me real
I thought it’d be easy
But no one believes me
I meant all the things I said

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don’t know how it got so bad
Sometimes it’s so crazy
That nothing can save me
But it’s the only thing that I have

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

On my own

I tried to be perfect
It just wasn’t worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong
It’s hard to believe me
It never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own
~Pieces, Sum 41

This entry is for no one. No one but him. The one who seems to haunt my every being right now. And I wouldn't write this, I know better then to write letters to ex's, but I need to get this out of me, and now. Whether he ever reads it or not.

David.

This isn't the right song. It's not the right song at all. It's saying exactly the opposite to how I think I feel right now. I don't think I'm better off alone. I need someone. Everyone needs someone. But though I love you, that someone isn't you. It can't be you. It just can't. I have to stop this. I know that we're not together anymore, and I hope we never get back together. I can't do it anymore. Everything is always a lie. A big, horrible, shameful lie. And it always was. There use to be a day when it literally stopped my heart to just think of life without you. I never thought that I could do it. I surprise myself every morning that I wake up, because many nights in the past few weeks, I've gone to bed, hoping to never wake up. Somehow, in all that, in all the feelings I ever had for you, in all the feelings I have for you, it was a lie. All of it. There was something wrong. There was always something wrong. And you know what? It was me. I was wrong, in all honesty. It's the worst cliche, but it's true. In my eyes you were perfect, you always were, and always will be. I'm not the girl you need. I'm not the girl that you should be with. This next thing is going to be one of the worst things I may ever say to you, completely in my opinion probably.

You don't need me, or a woman, or even Betty Crocker. Grow up, don't be a shrink, be an engineer, an inventor. And create yourself a Stepford wife. Because that's all you need.

Love and forever,
Contra Veritas darling.
~Cassondra

The real song, what I really believe, is Run by Snow Patrol. Or, Everything Will Be Alright by The Killers. But those can't be, they never will, because I can't be a Stepford wife, and really, that's the only woman that's good for David. The stay at home woman, who will raise a family and cook and clean.

I'm going to get severe repercussions for this one. Laura, Michelle, I can just hear the angry words, and cold glares, but I've finally gotten it out the only way I know how, through words. Maybe now I can throw the final shovel of dirt over the hole that I dug for myself, filling it in for good. I think it just might.

I'm not really coming back to the blogging world. I just thought I'd share this with you.



: )

Chow.

~TigS

Green Day, Boulevard Of Broken Dreams

I walk a lonely road
The only one I that have ever known
Don't know were it goes
But its home and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Blvd. of broken dreams
Were the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find
Till then I'll walk alone

Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And were I walk alone

Read between the lines of what's
Fucked up and every things all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find
Till then I'll walk alone

Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh

I walk this empty street
On the Blvd. of broken dreams
Were the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a..

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find
Till then I'll walk away!


Everyone is walking away from everything it seems these days. And I'm ready to do the same. Laura just left the blogging world again. She did it once before, but she came back. This time though, I think she's serious. She's deleted everything. Well, with those words from Green Day, I'd like to say, and I to, am walking away from my blog. My secret journal will still be operational, and so will my story pages, but this place is being shut down. Some things are just better left unsaid.

I love you all dearly. Thanks for joining me for the show. I just hope everyone was happy to view and sometimes participate in the drama that went on here at Mariposa. It's ending now though. Le tme leave you with the words of Billy Talent.

Cut the curtians, the actors have gone home
Intermissions, a mission on it's own...

Chow...

~TigS

That's how I feel right now. I feel so used, abused and worthless. I feel so cheap, so low. I shouldn't have to feel like this though. It's not right that I feel like this, and I want to make it stop so badly. Maybe I'm just being foolish again. But aren't I always being foolish?

I really need to get my head put on straight. I need a good thump in the head, to knock some sense in me. Then I need something to keep my head on straight, and to keep the sense in there.

Holy shite. Just, holy fricken shite. The things that happen after four o'clock, I swear.

Yesterday was interesting. I walked from work to Michelle's. Then I was going to walk to Zellers, then to David's, but Michelle's mommy was nice, and I went with Michelle to her appointment thingy or whatever, and then her mommy drove us both to Zellers which was nice. I got to return my white lacy poncho thingy, and I now have $22.97 in cash(oh so much!) for my spending whims. After Zellers, I walked Michelle back home, and she told me she was going to feed me. And I mean, in a sense she did. Chocolate chips. Yummy. And juice. She's always got juice, and it's always good juice. And I told her the story about when me and my brother ate a can of juice concertrate in the summer time because there were no popcicles or freezes in the house or ice cream or anything, and it was hot and we were hungry, so we ate juice concentrate. We did it a few times before we were actually caught. Then, once we were, my parents NEVER bought juice concentrate again. Except for sometimes in the winter, when there's no chance of us eating it. Good times with my little bro. :) But anyways, back to yesterday. I finally leave Michelle's, and it took me HALF AN HOUR to walk there. Fwaking uphill walk. I took a really stupid way to David's house, which involved more hill then it should have. I should have taken the way that goes past the old school, and Stamford, but I didn't feel like remincing, so I walk straight up, Dorchester? Is that the street? Whatever, it turns into Main Street somewhere along the way, and then I went up Ferry which turns into Lundy's Lane. And the whole walk was a slope up. It was horrible. I'm never walking that way AGAIN. EVER.

I did make it to David's though, after four o'clock. We watched movies. I caught the last hour of Batman Forever when I was there, Die Hard 2 was on as well, but we went to the store, and ate dinner(yummy dinner to,turkey pie, salad, potatoes and some other stuff, and ice cream and peaches for dessert!) while that movie was on, so I'm not quite sure what was going on, and then we watched half an hour of Cops before his mom informed us that Harry Potter was on, so we were watching that until my mom came. Nothing much happen. I mean, his door was open, and his parents were watching TV in the next room, so really, what could have happened?

Let's just say, Mr. Dicicco was right. I am pretty talented.

and if you want me well i guess i want you
oh pretty baby how could you...

Chow.

~TigS

I'm such a mess right now. Things are so mixed up and crazy. Tomorrow is a day to mark on the calender. It the day when all the drama school drama will come to the surface. I think more then just Laura's little secret is going to revealed tomorrow. A lot more then Laura's little secret. And I have a horrible feeling about it.

But everything else in my life is so messed up. My heart is a tattered ragdoll right now. There's no other way to describe it. I have a suggestion for everyone out there. Never write in your journal at seven in the morning when you're sick, because all you'll get is crazy mixed up jumbled crap. Like this,

I have the power to defeat this monster, but snow falls softest at dawn. It's almost four o'clock, and all I have is this blanket of white for comfort. A white butterfly fades with midnight, but the blue butterfly will never fail. Don't fail me now ragdoll.

It makes sense to me, but it probably doesn't make much sense to anyone else. I can't believe I wrote that though. And all of it, except the last part about the ragdoll has something to do with time. And oddly enough, though it doens't seem like it, that's not what connects those four sentances. Those are the four most interconnected strands of prose I've written in a long time.

Speaking of writing, NaNoWriMo is not coming along very well. I'm going to KILL my main character because she's getting annoying. I hate her. She doesn't do ANYTHING she's suppose to do. I can't make her do anything! She's got a mind of her own! All my characters do! And now she's falling for the wrong guy, and if she falls for the wrong guy, then it TOTALLY screws up my ending. Jesus fish.

I just wish Not Just A Fairy Tale was my only problem right now.

the night shines through his eyes
the stars glow at his words
the moon halts to his actions
and i, who lives by the night,
feel my world crumble at his hand...

Chow.

~TigS

How the hell do you lose an hour? HONESTLY! Actually, I do know how, and I've lost plenty of hours like this, but how does it happen time after time and it still surprises you? Jesus fish.

Let's just say, I went to David's house. And he didn't yell at me for wanting to drop out. He doesn't want me to take three days off like I'm planning on, because he won't see me, but I pointed out that's all it really is, is seeing me, so he half supported it. Just as long as I don't drop out.

Yeah though. Today was rough. I walked a lot. And now I'm tired. And going to bed.

my heart doesn't want to be your ragdoll anymore...

I announced it yesterday, but today, I'm still serious. Everyone kept saying(Eleni specifically) that I can't drop out based on one bad day at school. Well, I'm not at school right now, and I still hate it, and I still want to drop out. Then there's the whole, I'm ruining my future because I don't have a high school education, well guess what? My mom dropped out of high school in grade ten, and she has two college degrees. Explain that would ya? My parents aren't impressed, and think that I'm just screwing around, having a bad day or whatever, so yeah, they aren't really taking me seriously. But I don't think I'm going to go to school next week. Just to take some time off. I need at least three days. So if I'm at school Monday, don't be all like, haha I told you that you weren't dropping out of school or taking time off, because I'll kill you. I have to go Monday to get my stuff out of my locker, and I'll probably leave at lunch, or even after first period when I'm done with Tyler. I need some time off, I really do. I can't deal with anything anymore. This is where everyone can think to themselves, we're all teenagers, we're all going through rough times Cassondra, suck it up and deal with it, but no, I won't just suck it up and deal with it. I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS SHIT SINCE GRADE SEVEN! That's how long all this drama has been going on, just one thing from another. This is where Michelle and countless others will say, "You bring this upon yourself, blah, blah, fucking blah." Well guess what, FUCK YOU! I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK ANYMORE! I don't bring this upon myself. I'm sorry that instead of being completly ignorant and oblivious to everything, that I pay attention, and keep everything is perspective so that I have enough information to every situation. Because that's what I do. I'm awake and aware of everything, so that means I'm bringing things upon myself? Fine, think that. As I said, fuck you all who think that. And it doesn't matter, because guess what, it's what I do, and I can't do it anymore. I just need a few days away from everything to take a rest. A two day weekend isn't enough, because I have contact with people during the day and stuff. I need three days where I won't be able to contact people during the day. Actually, I need the rest of the semester to think about everything, but noooooooooooo I'll be ruining my life if I take the rest of the semester off, so I can't do that.

And trust me, I don't care who you are, but if you knew some of the things that I know about the important people in your life, you wouldn't want to or be able to deal with it either. I've held on, and just taken everything in a stride longer then most people would be able to. I probably talk to Michelle and Laura the most, and tell them pretty much everything, but I haven't told them everything I know about everyone. Laura doesn't hate me, and semi-understands without knowing everything. Michelle doesn't understand and practically hates me because she thinks it's my fault that I have so much drama. But maybe if I just started telling all, maybe she and everyone else who doesn't understanad would understand. But then I wouldn't be a confident for people, so I guess no one is ever really going to understand me.

My dad has hick music on though, so I'm off to lock myself in my room until I have to go to work.

pray for me, i'm praying for you

Chow.

~TigS

Even though by the time I get to school, I'll probably feel better, right now, I feel like I'm falling and I can't find anythink to catch me. This is a horrible feeling, it really is and I want it to go away. I sense there's something going on behind the curtian, but I'm on the other side, with no way of finding out what's on the other side. I could just pull back the curtian and look, it's easier then I think, but I'm aprehensive. I want to know, but I don't want to have to deal with it. I think I'll feel better in my ignorance, but I don't. I feel worse, because I know there's something there that I don't quite know. Oh woe, life fucking sucks.

I'm really behind in NaNoWriMo. My word count it barely 3,000 and I need to reach 10,000 today to reach my daily quota. When I come home tonight, I should just write. Then maybe I won't feel so horrible. Just put on my Billy Tallent CD and just write. The sooner I have this story out of my head, the better I'll probably feel, but then only problem is, is that I don't think there's a happy ending for this story coming yet. I have a happy ending now, but I think I'm going to lose it within the next few weeks, which will definatly throw me into a deeper depression then what I sit at right now, which may cause me to stop writing for a very long time.

On a happier note though, next Wednesday, at drama, me and Laura are going to reveal Laura Whiller's dirty little secret to everyone, including Colin and Lori. Emily thinks we'll get pulled aside and talked to about bringing personal problems into the class, but technically, we're not going to use names or anything, so it's ok. I can just see it. Once upon a time, there was a dwarf princess...